Talkbacker Reloaded: Thor (2011)

Reviewed by Creepythinman

Originally published from Talkbacker. com on:  September 24, 2013

Given that the sequel is nearly upon us, here’s my review of the first Thor movie, my favorite of the Marvel Cinema Universe.

CEILING CAT ALMIGHTY was this is a fucking GREAT flick!!! Thor is complete and total unapologetic FANTASY with weird realms, creatures and all sorts of fucking badassery!!!

First, to those of you who didn’t like this, FUCK YOU! You don’t deserve entertainment this well made. The sign of a great fantasy film is when they throw all sorts of fucked up shit at you, but you still believe it. Well, I fucking did! They give you just enough info so that you’re not scratching your head while keeping the plot moving. This is easily one of the top comic book movies ever made and I liked it even more than Iron Man, which is stuck with Stark fighting variations of mechanical shit with Arc technology. That shit was boring by movie 2. Thor can go anywhere, and his adversaries can be anything.

Secondly, Thor is the best Superman movie we have ever got. Fuck Singer, Donner and Snyder. THIS is how you do fantasy-based comic book adaptations. The secret is that everyone takes it seriously and it imbues everything with such earnestness that you are able to suspend disbelief and just fucking go with it. Watching Thor reminded me of seeing Speed Racer, a movie that I love dearly, for the first time. I never liked the SR cartoon because I FUCKING HATE Anime and LOATHE race car driving. But the Wachowski’s owned my ass by getting great work from their cast that made me believe in their characters and got me feeling for their plight. Also, I don’t care if a story is clichéd. If it’s done well then it can be made to seem fresh again and that’s exactly what Kenneth Branagh did. Certainly, worked for George Lucas back in 77.

I fucking applaud Branagh for doing such a great job with Thor. His Shakespearian experience was exactly what the story needed, and his Direction was superb. The casting was spot on. Chris Hemsworth is PERFECT as Thor but even better was Tom Hiddleston as Loki. This guy gives such a layered performance that it’s a motherfucking shame that he didn’t get an Academy nomination for his spectacular work. In a just universe, he’d have the Best Supporting Actor Oscar sitting on his shelf right fucking now. The rest of the cast didn’t have much to work with, but they made their characters come alive and each were perfect in their own way. Oh, and to those who hated Idris Elba being cast as Hemidall because of his skin color, EAT SHIT!!! He was the biggest badass of them all and did it with just his presence and voice.

The movie is perfectly balanced. I’ve been hearing shit about the Earth stuff not measuring up to the Asgard elements. BULLSHIT!!! Branagh cuts from one to another just enough that neither grows tired. Furthermore, those who complain about the lack action are obviously ADHD retards that should go back to watching Michael Bay’s brand of ADD garbage, but don’t worry, Bayformers 4 is right around the corner for you fucking simpletons that are incapable of appreciating what a quality piece of work Thor is. The action sequences are appropriate based on what was going on in the story at the time. The Jotunheim battle was there to wow us by showing Thor and co. doing their thing and it was thrilling. The Destroyer fight was meant to show Thor sacrificing himself to become worthy. PERFECT. But the fight between Thor and Loki was the best because it was infused with the most emotional content as we watched these two brothers battle. This structure is perfectly aligned with that of The Empire Strikes Back, if you think about it, and we all know Empire is the Best Star Wars Film™!!!FACT!!!

If I were to have one complaint, it’s that Thor continues the Marvel trend of not having a great score or recognizable theme. This movie NEEDED Basil Poledouris or Jerry Goldsmith. The only problem is that both are dead. The good thing is that Thor doesn’t have an egotistical douchebag like Robert Downey Jr. to fuck it up, by hiring his friends to write the next movie, so I don’t see any reason why Marvel couldn’t deliver a superior sequel considering that they can take it anywhere and do anything which is the benefit of Thor being a pure Fantasy movie. Tis a shame that Branagh has not returned to Direct the sequel but I hope for the best.

As for the 3D, I know this was post-converted and some of it didn’t work but, overall, it was really good. Thor was my first 3D movie, and it left my cherry busted like a virgin after Prom Night but without the severe disappointment as Thor’s hammer was large and he knew exactly what to do with it. I didn’t go to see Avatar in 3D because I was concerned that the motion sickness issues I have with first person shooters, and my eyeglasses, would have given me problems. NO FUCKING PROBLEM WHAT-SO-EVER!!! I sat in the third row with just the 3D specs, and it worked perfectly fine!

I LOVE THIS MOVIE SOO FUCKING MUCH, saw it three times in the theatre and got it on Blu-ray first day. Can’t wait to see part 2. 

The only thing that could have made this movie any more enjoyable is if they had worked in a lesbian fuck scene between Natalie Portman and Kat Denning scissoring each other’s foaming twats. I was worried that Denning was going to be annoying but she has big tits so that may have distracted me. But I have wondered why I like Thor soo much and I believe it’s because I identify with being a blonde-haired mountain of raw manliness who wields a hammer of the Gods, in my case my MASSIVE COCK!!!FACT!!!

In the Autumn of 2013, two blog sites joined forces as a means to protest the questionable antics of Aint it Cool News. What made Talkbacker stand out among the rest, were its user content creators where anyone who had the passion and talent, can utilize the DIY dynamic to contribute towards the newly established entertainment site. Whether it’s a review article, opinion piece or even a podcast so let's relive some of the best of Talkbacker, where "everyone has something to say!"