The Bop Drop: Dissecting Disney characters. (Now with a video version!!)
I fucking hate Disney. They Disneyfied most Marvel properties. They made the Hulk a bitch, Iron Man a douche, Black Widow a numbskull and introduced Disney humour into the movies. I use the term humour very very loosely. The worst thing about talent-less comedians is that they actually think they are funny.
Since I am such a Disney fan I have decided to dissect a few Disney characters. Yeah, I have nothing better to do at the moment.
Donald Duck is the personification of a loser. He loses a lot and accepts his fate. That is so wrong. Not to mention that he is slaved by Uncle Scrooge and accepts it just like that. Children identify with that loser Donald so they start being a loser and they accept their fate. Everybody can be winner, but you can’t be a winner if you identify with Donald Duck.
Mickey is gay. Plain and simple. No male has such a high voice. And let’s not talk about his clothes. Not to mention that Mickey is a very annoying motherfucker. One you would just like to swat like a poop fly.
Sometimes in life everyone knew one or more Goofies in their lives. You know, the persons who are slow and if a thought ever came up in their head the thought would die of loneliness. I am not talking about people who were born with a defect, but people who were born healthy, but are just too stupid to advance in life. In fact, I used to know a guy who seriously reminded me of Goofy. You know they say owners start resembling their pets. Well, this guy must have been watching Goofy cartoons every day.
Daisy Duck is a whore. Plain and simple. She always plays Donald Duck against Gladstone Gander and dates the guy who fulfills her wishes. One day she likes Donald and the other day she likes Gladstone and they just accept it. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a whore. Do you want your daughters to grow up as whores ? Then keep having them watch Daisy Duck or read comics in which Daisy Duck appears. You know any whores? Blame Disney.
Gladstone Gander is a lucky asshole and no one likes lucky assholes. Hollywood is full of them too. In fact, some Hollywood lucky assholes probably think they have a lucky asshole too. Fact is, if you are untalented like Gladstone Gander is you will be hated. Parents, don’t let your children become Gladstone Ganders. Do your fucking jobs.
Gyro Gearloose gets a pass. He is a man of science albeit not a good one. He can think up a good game, but chokes finishing it. At least he is doing something useful with his life and he never gives up trying to come up with something new.. Parents, don’t let your children be a Donald Duck, a Cousin Gus or a Gladstone Gander. Let them become a Gyro Gearloose.
Little Helper is Disney’s best creation ever. Why? Because he knows his shit. Apart from saving Gyro Gearloose every time by solving his problems, Little Helper always gets things done. He is the man with the plan and a winner. The world would be a better place if there were more Little Helpers. And best of all, he is not a sugarcoated sweet character. He is a badass and probably could kick the ass of all Disney characters all by himself.
Huey, Dewey and Louie
What kind of mother leaves her children with Donald Duck, the loser extraordinaire? She should be ashamed. As if Donald hasn’t already a difficult life he gets some brats as a bonus. What kind of an example does their mother set? Huey, Dewey and Louie’s mother is like a lot of women today. First they get children and then they dump them, because they are bored. And the poor ex-husbands have to cough up alimony. I blame Disney for the women they influenced. I blame Madonna too but that is another story for another time.
Cousin Gus Lazy
Cousin Gus is a lazy motherfucker. Everyone has known one or more lazy motherfuckers in their lives. You know, the people who live on the couch, eat all day and do absolutely nothing. The leeches, the deadbeats, the useless ones. The people who suck away your energy by being absolutely powerless. The people that drag you down. Fuck Disney for allowing people to become lazy motherfuckers.
The biggest bastard of them all. Has all the money in the world and does nothing to help the world become a better place. Hell, he even doesn’t give his family member Donald some money to make his life easier. Hell, Donald is his personal slave. Scrooge drags him everywhere and doesn’t pay shit for Donald’s services. And Donald accepts that. If I had an uncle like that he’d better pay up or get the fuck out. And damn, my services would be expensive for sure. You know, I wonder if Uncle Scrooge became so rich because of Daisy Duck.
Magica De Spell
Magica is cool. She is down with magic, is fashionable and classy and she doesn’t like Uncle Scrooge. And rightfully so. She is a bit dumb, though. Just turn Uncle Scrooge into a frog and then grab all his money. It’s all for the taking. And while you’re at it take away Gladstone’s luck. That motherfucker needs a reality check.
So what do we learn about Disney characters? Keep your children away from them if you don’t want them to grow up like pussies, losers or lazy motherfuckers!