Sky & Ollie: Silly Love Songs. (Worst love songs ever!)
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed therein are those of Sky and Ollie and do not necessarily represent official policy or position of Poptic Nerve.
Sky: Ah, God bless Paul McCarthy. Here's a chap who really knows how to put out good romantic songs.
Hullo again you sorry sods. It's your mates Sky and Ollie back for another round of skullduggery and instead of doing movie reviews like every bloody one else, we are going to focus on music and since its Valentine’s Day, what would be more appropriate than to discuss love songs…?
Bad, sappy, sentimental, sorry and silly love songs..!!
Ollie: Hence the name of this topic; Silly Love Songs. Yes, it’s the Holiday where Restaurants raise the Menu prices, Wine, Chocolate, Greeting cards and Condom sales shoot through the roof and meanwhile, all of the Mistresses are left alone. Kinda like the Holiday season dontcha think?
Sky: We're such cynical little shits are we not? *snicca*
So to start things off, here's "Close To You" courtesy of the Carpenters.
Ollie: “Why do Birds suddenly appear”? This Cat will suddenly appear to scratch this Vinyl piece of Shite! As Karen Carpenter might say; "blaaaaarrrggh!"
Sky: Eh, still too soon Ollie!! There’s only one “Carpenter” that’s cool
Ok here's one from way back but had to make the list for its gooey cheesiness but then again, it's from the decade that brought us bell bottom jeans, polyester, Disco and...
Ollie: Porn music! (“Waka, waka,waka”!)
Sky: Um, I suppose so but these trends were way before our time and thank heavens seeing as how the 70's was seen as the Ugly Decade.
Ollie: C'mon who took this skinny lil pretty boy seriously as an artist? He looks like someone's prison bitch. Debarge? More like Debarf!
Sky: And now for our next pick. "I wanna know that Love is"?
Ollie: 'Scuse me for a minute while I hack up another hairball.
"I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me"? He sounds like a virgin, as in some of the guys from the nerd sites.
Sky: Ollie, that's not very nice! Perhaps true, but not nice.
Ollie: Weren't these guys responsible for "Dirty White Boy"? That song was fun and funny!
Speaking of “foreigner”, we have one selection Straight outta Canada!
"We're in Heaven" courtesy of the Canucklehead Bryan Adams!
Ollie: "Heaven" my ass! Sky, have you ever been through Hell and back?
Ollie: Exactly!! Oh wells, there's always Nickleback! *wink*
Sky: They are absolutely the worst product from Canada since Justin Bieber. Speaking of which, I wonder what our "other" boss would say about these embarrassments, since he himself is from the "Maple Leaf State".
Sky: Well, at least the 80's had very good movies, if anything.
Ollie: Let's avoid mentioning the 80's before you-know-who goes on one of his anti-80's rants.
Sky: Yes, but that decade was also before our time, anyway here's another sappy pick.
Ollie: *Vomits Guinness stout*
Ugh, what the fuck was that? Does anyone still refer to that song as being good?
Sky: those with feelings of nostalgia perhaps?
Ollie: Nostalgia? You're beginning to sound like our Portuguese friend.
Sky: ANYWAY....!!! That song has more syrupy content than the Black woman with the handkerchief on her head. What's her name? "Ain't your Mama"?
Ollie: That's Aunt Jemima and for the record that image on the Syrup bottle has been long since removed. Racist! You’re begging to sound like Benedick Cumbersnatch with such insensitive remarks.
Sky: “My Bad” as the Brothas would say. Buahuhuhuh.
Dissing Dishonorable mention goes to: Def Leppard’s Love Bites!
Ollie: Oh, lawd! What is this Shite?!? This song is so fucking lame, I could rip the arms off one of their band members! “Too soon”? Fuck you!
Sky: Def Leppard serves as yet another disgrace to England. Like Daniel Craig as James Bond disgrace. “Love bites”? Oh, bite me! Get it? “Bite” me? …..
*Ahem* shall I fast forward to the 2000's since both the 70's and 80's were easy targets?
Sky: Here's something recent, "All of me" courtesy of John Legend...
Ollie: "I'll give you alllllllllllllllllllllllllll of me"! Buahahahah hashtag: Pussywhipped!
Sky: "What would I do without her smart mouth"? *sigh*
Ollie: More like what I would do with her smart mouth!
Sky: Get your mind outta the gutter, "Brotha"!
Ollie: Fuck you, his wife is hot and I'll serenade her with that silly love song (see what I just did?) to get the "skins". Ok, let's wrap this up, I still have a film studio to run. Oh, and someone is scheduled for a job interview. I think her name rhymes with “Asscow”.
Sky: “Oy Vey!, and you have the nerve to call me a "racist" that’s not “Kosher”!
Soooo, everyone knows full well how much we despise film reboots and music is no exception. Here's a remake of Prince's 2004 song "Call My Name" courtesy of Morgan James.
Ollie: More like "Call me an Ambulance"! I'm deaf thanks to her screaming! Who the fuck is that bitch, some runner up American Idol contestant who got her big break by blowing that sod Simon Cowell? Hmm, I wonder if there's a #MeeToo scandal involving good ol "Simon Says"?
This song gave me nausea, and I'm sure the lil' Purple guy is still spinning in his grave!
Well, between that and Justin Timberfake's Superbowl "Tribute". What a piece o' shite!
Sky: Agreed, mate, anyway, here's his version.
Ollie: Damn, Prince was a very talented lil genius!!!!
Sky: That’s exactly my point, Ols. Anyone can do a better rendition than Morgan James.
Ollie: Speaking of “Morgan”, I could use some Morgan-Captain Morgan!
Sky: And now for our final albeit predictable pick as it should come as of no surprise Ahem, the silliest love song of 2015 is “Hello” by Adele!
Sky: Fair enough. Anyway, that's a wrap as many would say. We hope you enjoy reading this article as much as we enjoyed trashing these songs. Cheers! And may many of you find love and romance...aside of using your left or right hand. Buahuhuhuh!